Withholding
Withholding is primarily manifested as a withholding of information and a failure to share thoughts and feelings. A person who withholds information refuses to engage with his or her partner in a healthy relationship. He or she does not share feelings or thoughts.
Countering
Countering is a tendency to be argumentative—not merely in political, philosophical, or scientific contexts but in ordinary contexts as well. The victim of the abuse may share her positive feelings about a movie she just saw, and the abuser may then attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong. This is countering, or dismissing the victim’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences on a regular basis.
Discounting
Discounting is an attempt to deny that the victim of the abuse has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. It may come out as criticism—but criticism of a particular kind. The abuser may tell the victim on a regular basis that he or she is too sensitive, too childish, has no sense of humor, or tends to make a big deal out of nothing. The abuser thereby denies the victim’s inner reality, indirectly telling a partner that how they feel and what they experience are wrong.
Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.
The abuser may say something very upsetting to the victim of the abuse and, after seeing her reaction add
“It was just a joke!” Abuse is not OK in any form; jokes that hurt are abusive.
Blocking and diverting
Blocking and diverting is a form of withholding in which the abuser decides which topics are "good" conversation topics. An abuser practicing this form of abuse may tell the victim that she is talking out of turn or is complaining too much.
Accusing and blaming
In these forms of abuse, the abuser will accuse the victim of things that are outside of his or her control. He or she might accuse a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because the partner is overweight, or ruining his or her reputation because the partner dropped out of college.
Judging and criticizing
Judging and criticizing are similar to accusing and blaming but also involve a negative evaluation of the partner. As Evans points out, “Most ‘you’ statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive.” Some abusive judging and criticizing “you” statements are: “You are never satisfied"; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative."
Psychological abuse
Let’s recognize the signs of psychological abuse as they appear during a relationship with a controlling partner. There are many reactions, symptoms, and conditions that result from being abused. I’ve selected six of the most common conditions identified by the majority of the more than 1,000 women who have attended my recovery groups.
Your controlling partner creates an experience in your relationship that can cause major negative changes in you, leading to many profound losses:
1. If you were confident and self-assured before your relationship, you’re likely to find yourself suddenly self-doubting and insecure.
2. If you felt grounded and trusted yourself, you are likely to become confused and indecisive.
3. If you were happy and content, you’re apt to feel emotionally exhausted and anxious.
4. If you were competent and thought well of yourself, you may come to feel unsure and incapable.
5. If you once knew what you believed, you’re possibly losing confidence and trust in your own judgment.
6. If you had insecurities, they will only intensify as they are used against you.
Physical abuse
Physical abuse in a relationship often starts gradually, such as with a push or a slap, and then becomes progressively worse over time. Physical violence is always illegal. If you have been physically abused, there are things you can do to get support.